Sunday, January 30, 2005

Status Report: Wormwood to Screwtape

My dear Uncle Screwtape,

It is with the greatest pleasure that I write to you today. Our successes of late have been many and profound, and your advice has helped further our cause immensely. As Our Father Below requested, I have compiled a list of our recent successes and victories. It is difficult to express in words how excited I am at our prospects.

  1. We have convinced the Christians in the most militarily powerful nation on the planet to support our causes. The greatest success of this venture has been in convincing the leadership that they are in fact doing the Enemy's work, not ours. Without their energetic support we never would have achieved so much.

  2. Support for war among the Christians is at an all time high. It tickles me to no end to write that sentence. Christians, supporting war! It was not too long ago that such an utterance would have been unthinkable. We have quietly convinced them that they are, in truth, warring against the Muslims of the world, and that their very existence is dependant upon such support. Our agents amongst the Muslims have already achieved great successes, and now the lessons we learned with those people are paying off with similar success in our efforts against Christians.

  3. Support for torture among Christians is now a reality! My dear Uncle, despite our occasional differences I must say that your advice on how best to achieve this was absolutely indispensable. We have successfully played upon their xenophobia, although we would not have been so subtle in our justifications had it not been for your excellent guidance.

  4. The most egregious lies are now supported and even encouraged amongst and by the Christians. We have managed to show them how the lessons learned from marketing and selective editing can twist the truth to their own cause, and they have most willingly taken it up as their own. Since for them the end justifies the means, there is no lie they will not willingly tell themselves or others. They even think themselves clever whenever they successfully lie in such a manner, and take pride in it.

    They take pride in their lies! Ecstasy, dear uncle!

  5. Our extensive communication networks have convinced the Christians that the only morality of any value is hatred (rarely called that, of course; they find the word distasteful) towards both homosexuals and liberals. The abandonment of disinterested love has allowed gains in other areas, specifically the support of war, murder, torture, and other acts which bring us such joy. All other morality has taken a backseat. They still speak with great vigor about worshipping the Enemy, but this of course concerns us little. Their actions are what are important to us.

  6. Finally, and perhaps our greatest success: we have brought into being an apocalyptic mythology which has completely distracted them from the realities immediately before them. Our precious fool LaHaye has seen untold success in the market, and has brought many under our fold. His followers have been so blinded by fear, hate, and shallow scholarship of the hated Book that mere contemplation of the notion that our Greatest Agent now occupies the White House is deeply taboo. (You can be sure that we are quick to mock, vilify, and suppress any who even suggest the truth!)

In short, dear uncle, Our Father Below is right to be pleased with our progress. We have turned the Enemy's own people against him, and done so while simultaneously fooling them into believing they are doing His work. A more masterful stroke has never before been accomplished, and they are further than ever from the clutches of our Enemy. Fear is a wonderful tool.

Your affectionate nephew,



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